My opening remarks for Utah Prenatal Massage Association – Birth Circle on April 11th, 2015
Her goddess qualities were all I saw in the two short days of knowing her. She had the strong, yet gentle and sincere manner of a goddess, the composure, wisdom and vibrant body of a goddess, her words and thoughts were of a goddess, and she exuded the generosity of a goddess. Not to mention she had the bling and sweet car of a goddess.
So when Donna said, “I have been a victim, I am tired of being a survivor, I want to be a goddess”, I realized then and there that that is what I have been missing.
She did not own what I quickly and easily saw in her, she “wants” to be a goddess.
From a young age, and now as an adult woman, I have found that I lack examples of powerful, courageous, heart centered, strong women who fully own their power, their goddess self.
And, therefore, owning my internal goddess, my essential being, has been a challenge.
I am not a victim of sexual abuse, but I feel like I have been abused by the energetic vibration of it my whole life.
My mother’s family story of sexual abuse stole her power at a young age; and I was not raised by, or surrounded with, women exuding their goddess qualities. My primary female examples had a major chip on their shoulders, rightfully so, their power was taken from them before they were able to harness it.
In my childhood, my mother, my primary example of how-to-be, was full of hurt, frustration, anger, resentment, was obstinate, and unable to relax and fully enjoy.
These soul confining outcomes, what I believe to be the ripple effect of her abuse, deeply affected me as a child and therefore as an adult woman, and most apparently as a mother.
When I entered into motherhood I was confident that I would be an awesome mother. I would naturally do it better because I wanted to. So, when I found myself struggling I began to crumble.
How could mothering and being an exceptional partner to my husband be so difficult for me? I wanted to freely love, nurture, and give to them, and I thought it would feel way more natural to do so than it did.
The cells of my body were programmed with my mother’s soul confining outcomes of abuse, along with my father’s soul confining outcomes of his childhood emotional abuse, even before I was born.
And in my childhood, my most influential years, those soul confining outcomes kept me from experiencing my mother and my father in their power as individuals and as a couple.
And therefore frustration, resentment, and anger were my Go-To emotions in my early motherhood and partnership years.
My mother and my father broke the cycle of sexual abuse within my family, to some extent; I did not experience sexual abuse. But what I did experience was the ripple effect of it, combined with the ripple effect of emotional abuse. And that combined ripple stole my childhood. That ripple was too much for my parents to endure. And that ripple still creates waves within my family now.
It has become part of my own story, and therefore part of what I need to unravel for the benefit of my legacy.
For the past 7 years, starting with the birth of my oldest daughter, I have been doing some personal refinement and working with what keeps me inhibited.
Part of what I have become fascinated with are the threads, the tentacles, which make up the ripple effect of all abuse.
Fear, confusion, submission, domination, control, frustration, anger, shame, and re-shaming to name a few. And we are all intertwined in the energetic web of these emotions and behaviors, if we succumb to them or not.
And from this web comes all kinds of personality traits that diminish our essential selves, our goddess nature. And from a diminished essence comes continued negative cycles that affect us all.
And when we remain blind to this we pass soul confining outcomes onto our legacy, without meaning harm, but inflicting a generational wound that keeps our pride, our children, inhibited at their core.
And, so, we are here today.
I want to learn how to live in a society that has been deeply affected by the tentacles of abuse, without fear, while I nurture and raise my girls into their fullest expression. I want them to reside in their innate power, never having to reclaim or uncover it due to abuse or the ripple effect of it.
And I want to learn how to be supportive of victims and survivors as they take their power back and reclaim their essential selves. Because, when they (when we all) start thriving, society will shift into a more positive place to be; a safer place with endless potential for my girls, for me, for all of us.
And, finally, I want to learn how to forgive an abuser, most certainly they have their own story of being abused and likely due to their fear and shame, and the re-shaming that society perpetuates, they avoid help, and therefore remain a victim. A victim stays stuck, a victim becomes a drain on those around them, and a victim will likely continue the cycle of abuse in one way or another.
I am proud to tell you that over the years I have watched my mother reclaim her power and rise to her best self. She is doing an incredible job at it. She is not a victim, or a survivor, she is becoming a goddess.
And as she has done this I have noticed that the energetic vibration of abuse, that I have been so aware of my whole life, has loosened its grip on my spirit and my goddess nature is rising.
Sexuality is our most meaningful expression of our spirit; you can’t touch one without touching the other.” Patrick Carnes