So this is 40

My hair is graying

My body is soft and padded

My eyes are dark and bagging

My winkles deepen and my whiskers multiply

My joints pop and my muscles knot

My house is usually messy

My clothes are mostly old

My garden sucked

My girls are happy and healthy

My husband………………………………………………….might wonder about life with me

My favorite people are those who will open up and share anything that is real and vulnerable

My friends’ husbands don’t like them hanging out with me – I tend to get women all fired up

My opinion and quick tongue have pushed many away – while pulling others in

I value sass more than sweetness (unless it is Charlotte’s sass)

I couldn’t care less about material things and

I care too much about ethereal subjects

I make up words and their meaning – I still can’t spell – and I mispronounce things like Tarantula (Triantchula)

My favorite emotions are the ones associated with the mama bear in me – powerful and right-on

I own my story

– my stomach no longer hurts

I allow my belly to be full and soft

–  I no longer only sip air

I am accountable and responsible for my thoughts

– my words and actions are sincere and honest, maybe too honest sometimes

I can calm my spinning mind by entering into my body

– I validate feeling more than thinking or knowing

I can sooth my muscles by releasing held tension and fully absorb the pleasure in this simple action

– it is possible, and self loving, to move through life this way

I am confident in going after the internal realm of more

even when more feels isolating because it is at the root of my contentment

I feel more wise, beautiful, sensual and comfortable in my skin than ever before

and it seems that I need less external encouragement and reminders

that I am pretty damn cool

And I am happy even when I am mad, sad, hungry and tired


I chuckle here…..


How could this be when my current claim to fame is

being a lunch lady?

Well…… it is the kitchen that constantly reminds me that everything will be okay,

somehow lunch is always served – and I surprisingly love being there – that school has an energy about it

oh and that vulnerable boudoir photo shoot that tested my bravery and solidified that my internal erotic creature is alive and well – THAT was a powerful experience – I was was so comfortable in my skin!?


So 40 for me is about true ownership of self, being comfortable and confident (and proud) with who I am, and only going after what I know is right for me and mine

Sounds so noble and brave

Funny thing is –

I feel like turning 40 requires me to own the word “bitch”

Good thing I like the bitch in me

Her name is Vivian

I can feel that she is wise, and relentless, sassy and brave

and also compassionate, loving and graceful

This is the first year that I have wanted to move towards her, for a while I pushed her away

I think that it will be her edge, her rebellious streak, that will allow me to finally, for real, explore pleasure (in all forms) more than anything else for a while

It will be exciting to let her shine a bit more in the coming years

Viva Vivian and welcome 40!  Bring on the mastery of pleasure!






Read more on: Empowerment
{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Nyla October 15, 2016, 2:49 pm

    Hey Vivian….love this. You’ll need to share more with me about the photo shoot. Your words are perfect. I love reading them and you.

  • Erin Geesaman Rabke October 15, 2016, 6:40 pm

    I love you and this writing SO VERY MUCH! Thanks for your candor, heart, and humor. Happy birthday in advance. I love the way you age. Big big love!! xoxo e

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