I am going to spend my 38th year of life fine tuning what it means to embody positive self-worth; to own it as my birthright rather than trying to prove it. My motivation is my legacy.
If asked about my feelings of self-worth a few months ago I would have easily answered that all-is-good when it comes to how I view my worthiness. I would have related my self-worth to my hard work and accomplishments, and I would have said that I did not have a limiting belief of my worth.
When I really dig deep into my self-worth I find that I have lived most of my life attempting to prove that I am worthy instead of just being worthy because I was born that way. I have, therefore, viewed my self-worth as something to achieve, rather than something that just exists. I have found that anytime I feel like I need to prove my self-worth, there is an undercurrent of lack, and therefore reaching for worth, rather than owning it.
When I reach, there is always more to do, more to be, more to prove and therefore exhaustion, expectation, resistance, resentment, projection, disappointment and a general, overall feeling of anxiety and that someday I will be worthy, someday I will be enough.
“Our sense of worthiness – that critical piece that gives us access to love and belonging – lives inside our story.” Brene’ Brown
And, our story lives inside our body – affecting every cell, organ, muscle, neural synapse, every wisdom center, and our DNA. Our story includes the legacy we come from, everything that ever happened to us that was out of our control, along with our personal choices and their outcomes. Our sense of worthiness becomes our internal and external expression of who we are, or rather, who we have become.
When a baby girl is born she comes with all of the eggs that she will ever have to reproduce with and it is her grandmother’s, not her mothers, chemistry that originally created those eggs. My story begins with my grandmother’s sense of worth and how that belief lived inside of her. The egg that I come from was bathed in the energy of her sense of worth, and she raised my mother with that same belief which certainly had an effect on how my mother viewed her worthiness.
Unfortunately, as a child, I did not often witness pure pleasure and joy, especially from my grandmothers, aunts, and my mother. Instead I remember feeling that they often seemed irritated and were always working in some form. Now that I am a mother myself I understand what I felt as a child. There is always something to accomplish, a new task to move onto as soon as another is complete, and feeling irritated and resentful is something I feel often.
When I consider the legacy I come from I gain clarity about my innate ways of expressing my worth. My natural ability to persevere and work hard, my ambition and drive, and my tenacity and fervor – all great qualities with a positive sense of self-worth, and silent destroyers of the soul with an unexamined or negative sense of self-worth.
I can easily work hard and accomplish just about anything. What I want now is to do this without the reaching, the proving, and without the martyr in me, who is constantly projecting and expecting, and tags-a-long with a “victim” mentality.
My unexamined, subconscious, sense of worth has affected every aspect of my life, keeping me too busy, too stressed, not present and lacking everything that nurtures my soul.
I want a different relationship with my worth. I want to feel, in my core, that I was born worthy of relaxation, personal space, and down-time; joy, fun-filled days, and being fully present and engaged with whomever is in front of me, especially my children.
I want to nurture my worth with my hedonistic-self being my guide, and I want to rewire my neural networks so that embodying self-worth found in pleasure feels natural and authentic.
Until October 21, 2015 I will be primarily exploring pleasure, joy, and presence and I am curious to see how this shifts my daily life, along with how I feel internally. Mostly I want to witness how it impacts my girls. I am grateful that I have two young children who are perfect examples of what I am seeking.
They will be my teachers and I will be their greatest example of worth, found equally in ambition and in all the gifts that come with slowing down, being present, and seeking joyful pleasures.