Liberation. I had this in my early 20’s. Everything was possible, I had no source of shame, my body was strong and fluid, my mind was often in the present moment, I had abundant joy, and pleasure was easily absorbed internally.
I want to feel liberation at the cellular level again.
With a felt sense of liberation comes release; my internal life feels warm, safe, graceful, spacious, free-flowing, painless, cozy, relaxed, generous, alive with sweet juiciness, soft, receptive, supportive — I am home.
I wrote this after an exploration exercise from Flourish, and I find myself coming back to it again and again.
This is how I felt in my early 20’s, I would say that it was the closest I have ever been to my hedonistic self. The soft, genuine side of me that can easily accept pleasure.
Now, as I near 39, I want to cultivate what liberation feels like in my body once again. And, to be honest, I am a bit saddened by how far I have strayed from these feelings of internal peace and love.
What have I been doing to myself over the past 13 years?!
I now have a lot of clarity and I know what I have been doing.
And I want to wrap myself in a warm hug and forgive myself, and others, in full, and move forward in a new and very improved way.
And with this I am finding that I have been oblivious to the fact that I am a grudge holder – unable to truly forgive – I have been living in old stories, creating drama in my mind, and living a reality that has been very constricted.
And I know that this has created chronic pain in my right hip.
I will share the stories that have led me here another time. They are painfully good stories. Full of learning and ultimately catalysts for immense growth and deeply, centered well-being.
Right now I just want to vow to myself that I will no longer stay stuck in shame and old stories.
I forgive myself.
And I forgive all others that I have ever held a grudge over.
Now to make these words stick as truth…….
How is this done?
Is it really that easy to just express these statements and move forward?
I am about to find out….
I know that old shame and the inability to forgive is stuck in my body. Almost as if my connective tissues, which are meant to move fluidly, have hardened and created internal compression & pain = an internal holding of punishment for being human and resentful of others humanistic ways.
If I am unable to forgive and unconditionally love myself then I won’t be able to genuinely offer that to another person.
Logically I say, “duh, you know this”, and subconsciously I have sabotaged this logic. Until now. And I vow to unearth these subconscious roots, in full.
I am grateful for the lessons, insight, empathy, compassion, and deep awareness that these roots have given me, and now I am focused on releasing the old stories from my body and transforming the stories into a source of empowerment. They will no longer be a source of pain, they will only be much needed life lessons that have helped me to cultivate a much more purposeful life.
Keep drinking purified water from my glass pitcher with the words “Give Love” (=forgive) written on it. A new ritual modeled after Dr. Masaru Emoto’s experiment.
When thoughts enter my mind that are old grudge related I will not allow them to linger. I will “Give Love” in that moment to whom ever needs it, primarily myself.
I will start swimming again, very soon, using the fluidity of my strokes in the water as a metaphor for what I am seeking. Liberation.
I will keep the teaching of Flourish front and center throughout the remainder of 2015 – and on.
I will explore Continuum Movement in depth this fall.
I will continue to receive good, focused body work, and I will keep the words from one of my spiritual advisers fresh in my mind, heart, and soul. I will have an internal, living, loving relationship with “God” (Universal Love).
I will be very gentle, respectful, and kind with myself.
I am willing to forgive myself and others. I am fully committed to my plan this fall, and I turn the rest over to the Universe – fully trusting that embodied change can be as simple as this.
I know that as soon as this concept becomes my truth I will once again feel fully at home in my body. I am so looking forward to this.
Liberation – and all the gifts that come with it, primarily the ability to accept pleasure.