Monica-Faux-Kota,-Blog

Exploring Control

Maybe it was/is the energy from the Blood Moon Eclipse that spurred my most recent exploration (the focus of this newsletter) or maybe it is just where I am in my journey.  What I know for sure is that I am done, literally, with old patterns that have never served my highest self.

This past month has been interesting, to say the least.

Deep exploration of my need to control has been my focus.  Such a sneaky pattern, made up of fear, that has lived inside of my ego for most of my life.

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I posted this on my vision board that I created in January for 2015:

 

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Prior to that the concept of living a more heart centered life was appealing.  In my mind I felt like I was already doing so but at the soul level I knew that I was not.

 

I could feel that I was living a guarded life.

At a very deep level I was protecting myself from being rejected, hurt, abandoned, and seen.

 

Within my body control feels like constriction, blocking, guarding, holding, tension, anxiety, obstinate vibes, expectation, unwanted thoughts, feigned confidence, projecting, numbing, cynicism & skepticism, and an unsettled system.  Muscle tension (sphincters included!) is also a felt sensation when I am attempting to control something.

 

All of this turns into emotional outbursts from time to time, not to mention a very contradictory energy behind my actions.

I can not genuinely love and reside in a heart centered life with the above mentioned emotions and sensations overwhelming my inner life. 

 

To give myself credit, my way-of-being, even when ‘controlling’, usually considers what (I think) is best for everyone around me, and respects the bigger picture of things.  So I could say that my intentions are good within my need to control, but the reality is – it is very hard on me internally and for those around me it can feel like I am disappointed, irritated, and relentless in wanting to feel understood and have things go my way.        So not heart centered.
So – what is the opposite of control?

 

To use the words of Carrie Coppola, a favorite yoga teacher of mine and the owner of Mudita Yoga Studio,

“What is ‘not control’ is surrender.  Pure, total, absolute surrender.  Letting go in the utmost way. Releasing.”

Carrie also explained to me that when we are caught in the fear of not getting what we want, or in what we might loose, we will try to control it, and if we can’t control ‘it’ we will control other things instead.

Boy do I know this well…..

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So – how do I surrender, let go of, and release others of what I want them to be fulfilling for me?  How do I keep loved ones’ behavior from negatively affecting me without trying to control them and their behavior, and without trying to control the deep pain and sorrow that is felt within me due to how I am affected by their actions?  How do I protect myself from being hurt?  And how do I surrender to the idea of not getting what I want –  especially when what I want feels healthy for everyone?
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I have have spent enough time entertaining slowing down and seeking pleasure over the past 6 months to realize that things do not fall apart if I slow down, which requires surrender and letting-go (of a lot).  I have been controlling my life up until recently and being too busy (keeping myself from pleasure) has been a distraction – a way of numbing.  If I am too busy I won’t sincerely look at what is keeping me from living a more heart centered life.  So – I have arrived at this edge, a place of awareness regarding my pattern of control, and am so eager to to explore the other side — surrender, letting-go, releasing = Doing things differently.

And interestingly this month I was faced with a very personal, very intimate challenge that is giving me an opportunity to observe myself while attempting to stay heart centered and open (= vulnerable) while continually experiencing my pattern of control wanting to take over.

And, I have not allowed it to, which has been hard, and every time I catch myself from going to that place of fear, and all that comes with it, I feel so damn proud and so relieved to respond differently.

This current experience has given me a reference point of what speaking my truth from my vulnerable heart within the strength of my integrity can result in — a refreshed layer of deep connection with myself and another.

I was heard, felt, respected, and am now in a new place of engaging without protecting my heart and without attempting to control the actions of another – or the ultimate outcome.

 

I am learning that I can orchestrate my life rather than control it.

 

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My current exploration of control has also allowed me to realize that I want a much more solid relationship with the Divine.  I need a willing source to turn over to what I can not control.  I need continual guidance and support, and I need to trust this exchange and utilize it way more.  I am feeling extremely grateful for this relationship lately.  It helps me free up my energy and keeps my body from holding onto the rigid edges that are created from fear.  What a gift if utilized.
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I am the conductor of my life. I can choose to make sweet melodies and grand symphonies out of what I am faced with.

Beautiful music that touches ones soul is not created from a place of fear.
Beautiful music is the culmination of raw, heart and soul expression. Even heartache, trials and tribulations.

 

I am going to explore this way-of-being for a while, until my body memory has been rewired.

I am so curious to know what it feels like to live an unguarded life.

 

Love – Vulnerability – Self Respect = Integrity

Surrender – Let-go – Turn it over = Trust

= Liberation & Grace

 

And on this note, I appreciate what Don St John recently told me about vulnerability.  It went a something like this (with my additions included):  If you are going to choose to be vulnerable use discernment (of others, the situation and also within self), and also be ready and willing to back-up your vulnerability.  Meaning, if someone can not accept and respect your considerate and vulnerable admissions you have to be willing to loose them (or set that relationship aside), knowing that they are not (yet) capable of being in a healthy relationship with you.

This tidbit of information is extremely helpful for me; within it there is authenticity and hope while at the same time a healthy boundary.  And with a healthy relationship with the divine an orchestrated life feels possible, safe, and genuine.  A heart-centered life….

Read more on: Advocacy| Confidence| Empowerment| Vulnerability
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