Maybe it was/is the energy from the Blood Moon Eclipse that spurred my most recent exploration (the focus of this newsletter) or maybe it is just where I am in my journey. What I know for sure is that I am done, literally, with old patterns that have never served my highest self.
This past month has been interesting, to say the least.
Deep exploration of my need to control has been my focus. Such a sneaky pattern, made up of fear, that has lived inside of my ego for most of my life.
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I posted this on my vision board that I created in January for 2015:
Prior to that the concept of living a more heart centered life was appealing. In my mind I felt like I was already doing so but at the soul level I knew that I was not.
I could feel that I was living a guarded life.
At a very deep level I was protecting myself from being rejected, hurt, abandoned, and seen.
All of this turns into emotional outbursts from time to time, not to mention a very contradictory energy behind my actions.
I can not genuinely love and reside in a heart centered life with the above mentioned emotions and sensations overwhelming my inner life.
To use the words of Carrie Coppola, a favorite yoga teacher of mine and the owner of Mudita Yoga Studio,
“What is ‘not control’ is surrender. Pure, total, absolute surrender. Letting go in the utmost way. Releasing.”
Carrie also explained to me that when we are caught in the fear of not getting what we want, or in what we might loose, we will try to control it, and if we can’t control ‘it’ we will control other things instead.
Boy do I know this well…..
I have have spent enough time entertaining slowing down and seeking pleasure over the past 6 months to realize that things do not fall apart if I slow down, which requires surrender and letting-go (of a lot). I have been controlling my life up until recently and being too busy (keeping myself from pleasure) has been a distraction – a way of numbing. If I am too busy I won’t sincerely look at what is keeping me from living a more heart centered life. So – I have arrived at this edge, a place of awareness regarding my pattern of control, and am so eager to to explore the other side — surrender, letting-go, releasing = Doing things differently.
And interestingly this month I was faced with a very personal, very intimate challenge that is giving me an opportunity to observe myself while attempting to stay heart centered and open (= vulnerable) while continually experiencing my pattern of control wanting to take over.
And, I have not allowed it to, which has been hard, and every time I catch myself from going to that place of fear, and all that comes with it, I feel so damn proud and so relieved to respond differently.
This current experience has given me a reference point of what speaking my truth from my vulnerable heart within the strength of my integrity can result in — a refreshed layer of deep connection with myself and another.
I was heard, felt, respected, and am now in a new place of engaging without protecting my heart and without attempting to control the actions of another – or the ultimate outcome.
I am learning that I can orchestrate my life rather than control it.
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Beautiful music that touches ones soul is not created from a place of fear.
Beautiful music is the culmination of raw, heart and soul expression. Even heartache, trials and tribulations.
I am so curious to know what it feels like to live an unguarded life.
Love – Vulnerability – Self Respect = Integrity
Surrender – Let-go – Turn it over = Trust
= Liberation & Grace
And on this note, I appreciate what Don St John recently told me about vulnerability. It went a something like this (with my additions included): If you are going to choose to be vulnerable use discernment (of others, the situation and also within self), and also be ready and willing to back-up your vulnerability. Meaning, if someone can not accept and respect your considerate and vulnerable admissions you have to be willing to loose them (or set that relationship aside), knowing that they are not (yet) capable of being in a healthy relationship with you.
This tidbit of information is extremely helpful for me; within it there is authenticity and hope while at the same time a healthy boundary. And with a healthy relationship with the divine an orchestrated life feels possible, safe, and genuine. A heart-centered life….