It was suggested that I explore the energy of indifference during a weekend workshop that I recently attended of Don and Diane St John’s, Growing Into Wholeness – The Frontiers of Well-Being.
Throughout the weekend we explored how we tend to identify with our primary-selves and that we should also allow room for our disowned-selves; there is a lot to embrace when we do, primarily the beneficial energy reserves associated with who we think we are and who we think we are not.
Ultimately it is these energy reserves that provide the fundamental tool for becoming whole. By exploring them, owning them, valuing them, embodying them and collaborating with them we live life more fully, we feel more comfortable in our skin, and we are able to engage more respectfully in relationship with others and with the earth.
Life becomes more rich and vibrant.
Essentially we age gracefully.
I identify my primary-self as a productive doer & accomplish-er combined with a spiritual seeker and self exploration junkie (I can become self absorbed…). Recently this combination has created some chaos in my life. Primarily because I have lacked a dedicated physical or meditative practice since working at the girls’ school — I am TOO busy and hyper aware of how critical a regular practice is for my well-being. And also because the political realm is so intense right now and I despise everything about it. I also see how we are all part of the bigger picture/problem and how the solution is so simple but made to be complicated and complex.
Unfortunately I have taken the results of my personal struggles and projected my frustration, anger and fear into my marriage, likely because my husband (a white man therefore innocently-guilty by association w the oppressive governing body) carries the energy of indifference as if it is part of his primary-self. And up until right now, as I gain more clarity, this part of who he is was never valued by me; more honestly, and interestingly, it is what I am most attracted to within him – his apparent ability to be mostly unaffected by what is not his.
When I articulated my struggle within a sharing opportunity during the workshop Don suggested that I explore the energy of indifference. When he suggested this I could feel the word penetrate my soul so I knew that I would explore it.
That said, the word alone (still) repels me.
Indifference: sluggishness, spiritlessness, sputum, stolidness, flatness, emotionlessness, lethargy, languor, numbness, unemotionality, impassiveness, phlegm, impassivity, stoicism, nonchalance, apathy, stolidity, unconcern.
The synonyms for indifference repel me, too.
To be honest, when Don suggested this exploration I felt a little pissed-off. He was suggesting that I explore exactly what I feel to be the primary problem within humanity:
Spiritlessness & Apathy
Throughout my life I have been accused of being too emotional, overthinking/feeling everything, being “too much” for another person to handle.
It is true – I feel everything and I believe in humanity more than anything else, and I can understand how my passion within this can be ‘too much’ for others.
The energetic matrix of how I have come to understand life is complex, interwoven and demands that every single human on the face of the earth is responsible and accountable for their beliefs, thoughts, words, intentions, interactions and personal growth. This matrix requires a persons spirit, their essence, in order to positively and effectively function. A tall order and a rare way of living – idealistic at its core.
And it feels like there is a constant attack, especially recently, on what we all claim to be seeking: connection, love & peace, yet we don’t see how our lacking integrity (self accountability and responsibility), is the primary inhibitor of felt love, genuine connection, and internal peace.
It is in this place that I find my passion and purpose – I feel like it is my primary duty to unwrap my essence, share about it, and encourage & praise others as they do too.
And Don wants me to explore the energy indifference??? Don wants me to take in the energy that I have zero respect for?
He wants me to explore being part of the problem?!
Interestingly, as I write this — I am almost able to put my finger on how I am part of the problem by being extremely resistant to, therefore colluding with, indifference, or an indifferent person. Or I guess I should say assuming that I know what a persons indifferent nature is about. Maybe they (some of them, and my husband certainly being one of them) have achieved something that I have not? Like tolerance.
While exploring the energy of indifference within the workshop setting I got a little taste of a what a tool it can be.
The energy of indifference allows a rapid release of my body tissue tension and constriction, which is the by-product of my frustration, anger and fear, to the point of exposing a deeper place within me; a place that I claim to be seeking: contentment and acceptance within what I can not change – the ability to let another persons’ inhibitions and lacking integrity stay within their energetic field.
Or maybe better said, a tolerant boundary!
The energy of indifference offers a sensitive person like me a tool for keeping others’ unclaimed, junkie energy from entering my body as if it is somehow mine to deal with. A tool for caring a little less about the choices of another person, and one that allows me to keep my emphasis and focused energy right where it matters and belongs – within myself, my family, and my personal contribution to the whole.
Within my whole-being this tool provides me a huge sense of relief – my body tissues and organs relax immediately, energy moves and there is room for fresh perspective, I am connected with my heart, I feel calm, comfortable and stable — I feel like me again.
And ironically I can feel that the energy of indifference will aid me for life by calming the physiological response I have while living my purpose and passion which is encouraging myself and others to Thrive.
Because to be honest, I can be greatly affected and offended by a person who chooses the opposite. It hurts my soul.
We don’t know how important we are, how much we matter, and within this we neglect our spirit, our essence, and by doing so we live life a little less fully than we could, causing subtle harm to self and others along the way; we remain disconnected from the whole as if we don’t belong there, we lack reverence for the critical part we play within humanity.
And we become too indifferent.
My intention for the workshop was to gain some clarity within my current struggle and ultimately begin to cultivate patience and acceptance, and become comfortable in the fact that life is a solo journey. It is shared – but our path is our own — and I have found that it can be incredibly lonely. Longing to be met in our most deeply rooted, vulnerable and emotional places that essentially provide what we seek: connection, love & peace, can become a form of expectation and often of those who might not be capable of meeting us there, yet (and maybe not in this life time).
It feels to me that the word, Grace, is ultimately what I am seeking.
This will be my word to explore in 2018.
Right now I will continue to gain more clarity about myself — I can feel that I am on the verge of transcending this challenging place that I have found myself in. I will own it, because it is certainly mine, but it does not represent my highest self, and it has not felt good – but I do appreciate the valuable lessons I have learned within the past 4 months.
More so, I value the incredible people I have in my life. I learn so much from everyone around me, especially when I can wholeheartedly accept and appreciate them for who they are and what they teach me – the good and the bad.
Gracious gratitude for my teachers, meaning every soul in my life, and for the gigantic mirror that reflects flaws. What a gift (and a total pain in the ass at the same time).