A good man took his own life and gave me an opportunity to feel the depths of despair.
I still do not understand – and I don’t think that I ever will.
He was an exceptional person, father, husband, and teacher.
He had many friends and a nice home.
He cared about people and people cared about him.
He still had half of his life to live…..and most of his children’s feats to champion
So what gives – what in the hell happened?
My emotions have ranged from raw intense grief to disappointment and anger, to deep contemplation and opening to the darkness – the shadow, in him and also all of humanity.
All at the same time
I want to hold his heart as gently as a new born baby,
shake it awake,
and scream what the fuck.
What the fuck!!!!!!!!?
is so dark and hard that it would lead you to this?
Now she lives as a widowed mother of three young boys.
All the responsibility is hers to carry and navigate.
Bread winner – laundry doer – car washer – grocery shopper – tutor to 3 – dinner maker – lawn cutter – lunch packer – problem solver – example of how-to-be – holiday decorator – soccer mom – taxi cab – birds & the bees expert – house maid – window washer – toilet scrubber – PTA re-presenter – witness to their joy, anger and confusion – and silent comforter of her own – not to mention weathering the brain space required for everyday life….the relentless list just continues
it is exhausting to think about….
And on top of all of this, with her shattered heart, she has to figure out a way to hold onto hope, joy and love
in order to save her life and offer her children a safe and nurturing solace.
You know what – fuck you David. Fuck you and your affair and your inability to face yourself — you left my friend and your children with a life time of fingering out how in the hell to turn darkness into light so that they can remember their father and husband as only the man that he was — A stellar one.
There are so many assholes out there, why could it not have been one of them?
Yes – your shadow over took you. You messed up. Horribly.
You had work to keep doing while living
and you opted out.
Your choices and actions represent failed humanity
you did it wrong man
you should have stayed and faced yourself
it would have been okay.
Never did I think that you would impact me in this way.
I admired you, I loved how you adored your wife. I heard your comments about her and felt the crush that you had on her. I deeply appreciated that about you.
You interacted with me as your equal. You listened, you cared, you noticed, you spoke without wondering if you should or not.
You were a rare and cherished friendship with the masculine, of which I have few.
And you left like this?
I feel her pain David. Everyday so far I can feel her range in emotions and I am on the other side of the continent. What the fuck am I suppose to do for her with that distance? I can’t even take her dinner, or take your kids to school to give her a break. I just sit over here, miles away, feeling and crying, and wondering
why did you do this?!
And I know that I need to move on. I have grieved.
I will never understand this
and in order to get around my anger for you (you bailed on your family, on “us”, on humanity — and we need men like you living and contributing — just like you were doing, and with this I feel like I might be forever disappointed in you. You bailed and left us with your “work” undone).
So not you.
So not the David that I knew.
So to keep you alive in my heart, as I want you to be
I vow to sidestep my anger (most of the time…when I hear that one of your children are having an emotional breakdown, or that your wife is having a challenging day, I reserve the right to silently tell you to fuck-off one more time, knowing that you would agree.)
David – you have opened me to despair.
The despair in humanity.
It almost killed me, at least it felt like it might.
It is unsettling how deeply humans hurt. So many of us have holes in our hearts with no tools for repairing them. And some of us have the tools at our finger tips but succumb anyway (like you).
To take this and turn it into something beautiful, so that it actually represents you, is a tall order
but in my life, with my husband and children, and all that I come into contact with
in your name
to live in my integrity
feeling the pain of the world
but avoiding panic attacks
by staying rooted into Mother Earth
tethered to the Universe
and aligned with the Warrior in me.
This human experience is so twisted
and I will not allow the weight of that truth
to keep me from
loving even more
experiencing gratitude regularly
amplifying the beauty that is everywhere
absorbing joy over and over again
and pleasure – I will seek it often and regularly
You opened me to the despair of humanity
such a layered emotion
and it will not take me down although
it so easily could.
This life is beautiful
and our potential as human beings is so untapped, still.
In your name now, I will strive, even more than before,
TO LIVE LIFE to the fullest and
I will love every corner of this painful experience we call life.
You leaving too soon, and how you did, broke me
I understand my capacity better now
And I vow to stay open to the rawness of the often times ugliness
(god, it hurts)
but everyday I will emphasis what is good, worthy, beautiful, real and worthy of time and attention.
You bailed, and you regret it – I felt your sorrow in the depths of my soul
why did I feel you so much?
What do I have to learn that is greater than this lesson already – because I can sense that something more is to come.
I will wait for it
and while I do
I will strive to be an even better person
now realizing, even more, how hard
this task is.
And I am asking you – from wherever your soul is now – to guide and protect us here on earth knowing what you now know.
I feel like humanity is in crisis, and we lack leadership, and that we may not recover from what we have done to ourselves — yet we have to keep on living and loving for the sake of the younger generations, for my children and yours, we need to keep hope and joy alive.
Please walk with us and provide us felt peace as we endure, rise-up to, and ultimately turn the dark into light. Your leaving is part of something global. It is part of an energetic shift that is taking place within humanity. And in order to survive it, actually to thrive the shift – we need support from above.
You can finish your work where ever you are right now. You can keep your family anchored within themselves and trust that they are supported by everyone around them.
I will hold Jessica’s hand and heart while she unravels your burden. She will come out on-top of this.
It is really the only thing that she can do now. And I have the feeling that she will do it gracefully, with a silent conviction that will make her so powerful that the world will feel her ripple.
You unleashed her. You unleashed us.
Something big is coming…….