Happy Birthday to this incredible little soul!
Charlotte Virginia Faux-Kota
(good luck fitting that name into little boxes or short lines on every form you fill out for the rest of your life, sorry honey…)
turned 7 years old on January 18, 2015.
I am so grateful for the 7 years of being her mother, and I look forward to more!
I wish I could say that the past 7 years have been awesome; that motherhood has been easy, natural, and enjoyable for me.
But I can’t.
Up until this point in time motherhood has been extremely challenging for me. I have had to find comfort in being unraveled and exposed at my core while simultaneously fulfilling the relentless tasks of mothering and our day-to-day life.
Motherhood has been the opposite of easy, natural, and enjoyable for me.
And to be honest, the reason I am typing out these words, live, for anyone to read, is because I know that if I don’t, I won’t reach my full potential as a mother.
With my on-line journal I am holding myself accountable for becoming what I claim that I want to be.
And I want to be an incredible mother who genuinely enjoys mothering and is also not defined by motherhood.
I am, and always have been, a good mother. Raising my children well is at the top of my priorities list and always has been.
But enjoying motherhood has required some deep introspection and what I am uncovering is:
My life’s purpose.
Which is to uncover and rise to my best self so that I can mother from a place of integrity while also encouraging other mothers to do the same.
Rising to my best self, so that I can mother optimally, is a full-time commitment; one that requires my faithful ego to step aside, my wounded heart to heal and shine, and one that requires me to define my integrity and courageously reside in it.
It also requires me to have compassion for myself as I continually screw up.
Needless to say, there is a lot of personal work that has been done and more to do…..
As I sincerely take a look at all of these points I can feel my authentic joy eager to surface – as if it is ready to breathe fresh air.
From the time I was a young child I have wanted a different experience of ‘family’ then what I had, and from the time I was a preteen I have wanted to be a career woman.
And now, I want to be happy and content, with myself and my husband, while raising our daughters and nurturing their fullest potential.
And so – in combining these desires,
my creative career is in gestation and it is because of the past 7 years as Charlotte’s mother that I am passionate about what I am creating.
With my dedication to becoming an awesome mother and career woman
I am finding myself in my wholeness, and I owe it all to Charlotte.
Charlotte has keen wisdom, her simple and direct one-liners have been the catalyst for incredible growth for me as an individual and ultimately as a mother.
Her fervor, tenacity, and down-right sass have given me a glimpse of her powerful spirit that is also infused with compassion, justice, and deep desire to understand. Her spirit is one that will accomplish a lot in life if it is not dampened.
How do I mother without dampening her spirit? How do I mother at my highest potential when I am still discovering what that is?
I am realizing that I have to unlearn some of what I was taught, relearn what I once knew but have forgotten, and be open to learning in a different way – a way that allows more expansion, growth, and potential for me, and therefore Charlotte and her sister,Wren.
And even though I am learning, and will continue to learn, I still slip-up, more often than I care to admit, and revert back to unproductive and damaging ways of mothering within exhaustion, overwhelm, frustration, and chaos.
These one-liners are among many that are hard for me to own, but Charlotte said them because of me. And because of her wisdom, I am changing, for the better.
Age 3: “I don’t want to be a mother because it seems like too much work and no fun.” (regarding her impression of me being too damn busy and trying to do it all)
Age 3: “You are just trying to make me be like you.” (while attempting to teach her ‘how-to-be’)
Age 4: “Hurry up and finish the book so that you can do it better.” (regarding learning how to mother better)
Age 4: “I feel comfortable with you and daddy and that is why I feel okay acting like this.” (regarding her constant fiery-sass that only me, my husband, and her sister are exposed to)
Age 5: “They are just being who they are.” (regarding my unjust judgement of a singers lyrics)
Age 6: “Do you even want us because it does not seem like you do.” (regarding my mothering within exhaustion & overwhelm)
Age 6: “You don’t like me.” (regarding mothering, a strong willed child, within total frustration)
I wonder what comments age 7 will bring? I am certain that what ever they are they will continue to encourage personal exploration and motherhood refinement for me.
Charlotte, thank you for humbling and unraveling me.
From the moment you were born I have become considerably less judgmental of other mothers (especially my own) and more compassionate for every woman within motherhood, including myself.
I am doing my best, which can always get better, and it will, and it is because of you.
Honestly, I thought motherhood would be easy and natural for me.
What I am learning is:
It is, once all the junk is cleared out of the way and a dedication like no other is applied to love, in it’s many forms.