“Sometimes I like girl things and sometimes I like boy things………no, actually – I always like girl things and I always like boy things.”
“I’m both boy and girl with just a titch more girl.”
When Wren was barely 3 years old I had the privileged of experiencing a very tender moment with her. A moment that helped me understand that there is a little boy inside of her that wants just as much room to live as the little girl that she was born as.
In that moment I was given the gift of knowing my child’s deepest place within her – how she identified herself within the gender spectrum, prior to it being clouded by socialization.
I have heard it said that most children her age identify as having a boy and girl inside of their little bodies. I have also heard that what she says, what she prefers (who she is) — might just be a phase.
This does not feel like a phase.
The word and concept of ‘phase’ actually feels extremely disrespectful to Wren.
The word only makes me understand adult afflictions such as addiction, mental health issues, divorce, broken families, the homeless population and suicide, better.
What happens to the soul of a child when we find comfort in the concept of their expressions being a phase and we therefore silently or verbal express that it will end, or worse – that their expression is not acceptable? What happens when we label, box-in, and make one conform to societal norms?
Wren is now 6 years old. She only knows her family as being supportive of her preferences. She identifies as being a girl and prefers to wear clothes made for boys, to be honest – she looks odd in clothes made for girls. She loves Super Hero’s, Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles, dressing up as Luke Skywalker, a police officer, and a warrior, the color blue and logo sport wear. She loves to “pretend” (yes, she always says “pretend”) that she is Jason. A boy who is sometimes a teenager and sometimes a father.
We love Jason in our home, although I have noticed this past year that he is not around as much…which feels sad. It is apparent that socialization and conformation is getting to her… Jason is so cool. AND SO KIND, helpful, funny, mature, WISE, capable, confident, and wants to be recognized for his strengths and abilities. He is most present when my husband is home. The two of them have a really fun and engaged friendship.
We love Wren too. She is smart, sweet, fiery when necessary, emotional, cautious, socially awkward, highly sensitive and concerned about what others think of her. She is comforted by “Kitty” and snuggle time. She is most present when I am around.
It is fascinating to observe Wren representing, so well, the masculine and feminine energies within herself, and also vacillating between the two as if she has to pick one over the other. She has to “pretend” when she is representing Jason, because she knows that she is a girl, and she sees girls one way and boys one way — she knows that there are distinct differences between men and women. And from a very young age she understood what (conservative) society wants: conformation.
Girl or boy. Male or female. Pink or blue. Which ultimately means disowning the energy and therefore power of ones own masculine or feminine parts – we all have both. With this it becomes easier to understand the power issues that plague humanity. If we were encouraged to embrace both our feminine and masculine energy we would have less war and way more love. And we would treat Mother Earth with more respect.
Wren opened me up to the beautifully diverse spectrum of gender and therefore the equally diverse spectrum of sexuality (which does not apply to her yet) – honestly, I had NO IDEA that I could use some education and exposure to gender and sexuality (aka humanity).
Gender is independent of sexuality and vice versa – duh, but I hadn’t thought about this until Wren, ignorant but true. And it is interesting to see what we have done to gender expression due to perceived sexual orientation once hormones enter the equation. We would be just fine seeing a little boy in a dress if it meant he would still grow up and identify as being straight…..
My acquaintances and friendships span the spectrum’s and I am finding that I much prefer diversity – I prefer the person whom is simply human – and expresses all of their beauty, talents, and gifts in their rawest form, without subscribing to societal norms.
My female friends who are in lesbian relationships say that they were much like Wren as a child, and in their older years they appreciate their feminine body and access to the emotionally satisfying realm of the feminine, and their outward expression is more masculine. I also have acquaintances that have firm conviction that they were assigned the wrong sex at birth, and nowhere within them is there room for identifying as both male and female, or the sex they were assigned at birth.
With all of my examples for gender (and sexuality) it is apparent that the people who are supported, accepted, and loved unconditionally are able to live their truth more naturally — and they stand out. They tend to be remarkable, not only with their accomplishments but mostly with their emotional intelligence. They are wise and capable in a way that represents a balance of the masculine and feminine energies.
With this I understand how in native and shamanic cultures people who would now be labeled as transgender ( LGBTQ+ was not broken down into categories like it is now…) were sought after for guidance and advice. They were considered gate-keepers: closer to the gods because they embodied the masculine and feminine. They came into the world owning what the rest of us spend our lives trying to harness, our full power, which comes from a balancing our masculine and feminine energies.
It is a shame to witness what we have done to the gate-keepers.
I hope that what I am seeing in my daughter is not a phase – I don’t want to ever loose Jason, her masculine expression. And I don’t want my daughter to choose between Jason and Wren. I want to encourage her to remain intact, representing a balance between the masculine and feminine regardless of where her gender expression and sexuality takes her as she ages.
I want her to rise to her potential – which I have always known will be breaking down barriers in part.
In Wren’s second and third year of life she used to dream, often, about hearts and fire.
We need fire to burn up the outdated, damaging, and cruel ways of humanity so that hearts can heal, rise, lead, and empower humanity.
I believe that Wren is a gate-keeper – and we intend on nurturing her purpose.
I believe that what I am seeing in my daughter is not a phase – young children express themselves fully until they are made not to. Wren has a little boy inside of her that wants just as much expression as the little girl that she was born as.
I don’t know how my husband and I were chosen to raise such a revered and valued (and destroyed) way of being fully human, but I can say that we are up for the opportunity. It has required us to self-evaluate and align with what we know is right for Wren. And then expect those around us to do the same, or miss out on a heart opening exploration for self – and ultimately miss out on Wren.
What a shame that would be.
And – indeed it is true, Wren might grow up and identify as being a straight female after all. Regardless, she is, and will always be, fully accepted – and I am eternally grateful that she came into the world and opened my heart to humanity in a way that has liberated me from a toxic energy that I was oblivious to. Dogma, even subtle in its many forms, can be heart-shackling in silent and subversive ways, it unknowingly causes parents to raise bigots, and knowingly gives bigots a platform for hate (my only concern as a parent). This does not, and never has, represented my own heart (or my “God”). What a shameful brainwashing that has plagued humanity for way too long.
May the gate-keepers thrive and may the rest of humanity free their hearts by unsubscribing from a twisted means of control.