I have stepped over, or I am deciding that I will, it would be untrue to say that I already have.
I want to.
But boy – does it feel incredibly vulnerable and terrifying.
I can feel myself on the edge of choice.
Staying put feels like slowly loosing myself, my passion, my knowing,
my purposeful life.
Stepping over feels like expansion, possibility, and every day having ‘more’
at my finger tips.
More freedom. More connection. More juiciness. More illumination.
More of everything that I have prayerfully blazed a trail for.
Stepping over is a no-brainer.
So why does it feel so scary?
Why does truly owning my power and my worth – something I am a huge advocate for in others – feel like such a conundrum for me right now? I honestly did not expect to discover a block once I reached this point in my journey – I thought I would just flow right into my power – actually, I thought I was already there.
For the past 3+ years I have been writing to you and sharing pieces of my life journey and encouraging you to thrive — what I have actually been doing is coaching myself while shedding layers and maybe it has been helpful, or at least entertaining, for you too.
What it has done for me is exactly what I wondered if it could do – liberate me from my inhibitions, encourage me to live life more fully, allow me to show up in the world in the way I am meant to. The way I want to.
And I have arrived in this place where it is obvious that I either step all the way over to where I belong now or I continue to stay comfortable in what was once uncomfortable.
Exploration. Expansion. Alignment. Integration. Integrity. = POWERFUL
And I know something about what is required in order to get to this place.
To feel, to know, that I am different now – and still remember, as if it is current, what was required to get here.
I move through life in a much more satisfying way anymore and it is absolutely a result of my personal exploration and empowerment quest.
And apparently the next transition is to fully own my power………….
I could feel this even before my psychic reading a couple of weeks ago. I went seeking some mystical advice on my next business move and came away with the most in-depth, all encompassing, and very validating look at who I am and what my path forward could be.
And now I am honestly terrified.
I got the green light and I can feel self sabotage hanging out in the corner.
Who I am now and my path forward is so damn inviting, and I was entertaining my path way before getting the green light from the tarot cards, palm reading, numerology and astrology that make up my birthright.
My path forward is:
So so purposeful. So connected. So worthy. So real. So considerate of the Greater Good. And so subtlety magical. When I feel into it ~ my heart illuminates.
I want to reside there.
But I have to fucking own it, own my power, before it is genuinely mine…..
(in my body right now = exhale, sinking but treading and sincerely pretending that I won’t sink. I can do this – I know that I can but OMG the insecurities that are coming up…..piss me off…)
You know….. I now have so much more respect and admiration for the women who have completely owned their birthright, their worth, their power. What they had to bust through in-order to get to where they are now, and then maintain it, requires immense vulnerability, courage, conviction, and steadfastness.
I understand better why so many of us choose to stay comfortable.
And I am hyper aware of how damaging comfort can be – to self, and to ones legacy.
So that was the heavy….and now a bit of humor, lightness, and encouragement!!
I had something like 17 orgasms in 48 hours – TMI – I know (sorry!) but this experience expands way beyond the sexual. Maybe this is normal (is it?) but I have never experienced a span of time like that – I had so much pleasure and gracious power in my pelvis – it literally saved me from loosing my marbles (like going temporarily insane, there is a story here..)….and now it has me curious. So so curious.
As my heart opens and my integrity expands – my pleasure increases AND serves as an anchor, it pulls me back into myself! WIN!!!
A week after this experience I went to my first S Factor workshop (learning how to pole dance but without the pole…) and I will be switching up my work schedule so that starting this summer I can make it a regular thing in my life. This is how I want to stay in shape as I age. Attending this first workshop, and all of those orgasms, are the result of a 7 year exploration of my erotic creature, or rather – what shackled her. And now I want to know what it feels like to own my erotic creature ~ I have the sense that the energy that is within is concept IS my power. I am grateful that SLC has a Feminine Fluid Movement, movement occurring. I believe that women exploring themselves in this way has the potential to save humanity. And that is not a stretch. Want to join me?!
WE – Women Embodied, with Erin Geesaman Rabke, the 6 month weekly commitment and encouraging context for beautifying life that was gifted to me by an angel at just the right time. I keep suggesting that you sign-on to Erin’s weekly newsletter — this is another strong push towards doing so, her upcoming opportunities are always noted. Erin’s work is the gravy, the best part, of evolving as a person. Less effort – more pleasure is her tagline. A couple of weeks ago she asked the class what the practices of embodiment result in for us — I did not say it out loud because it felt like a weird statement at the time; I was shy in a room full of new friends, but what my years of (lazy but committed) exploration in embodiment practices have done for me is:
~ they have given my integrity/ my wholeness/ my essence a movement to engage with ~ like an opportunity to flow, to subtly dance, with the best part of myself – anytime that I want.
What a juicy priceless tool.
Just imagine what is possible if I actually “practice”!
And finally – a summary from a small and significant part of my psychic reading:
My karmic work in this lifetime is to own my power (if I don’t do it in this lifetime I will have to in another….)
Meaning, to become radiant, bold, dynamic, strong, willing to take a risk, courageous, and independent. And I am to learn about owning my power as I become more feminine.
As I age my reading claims that I will become more artistic, magical, intuitive, mystical, and psychic (boy did I experience a taste of that this month..).
And finally – I am a 10/5 which I guess means that I have the make-up of a Xena Warrior Princess. I had to Google her to see an image but what my reader said was:
“She is not feminine, she has great boobs but she will kick your ass…” She appears this way. And, I CAN FEEL HER inside of me (minus the boobs..).
I named her Vivian years ago. Vivian is a self righteous bitch who always has my back. I don’t know how I am supposed to explore the feminine more deeply with her in the mix….she is a fighter and a total hothead.
That said – I have been opening to the feminine way of moving through life these past few years and I am in love with how I feel, I only want more.
It feels like I am coming home within myself.
Well – at least I am confident that Vivian will help me own my power – and maybe I can help her find grace under her armor and encourage her to drop her sword.
And finally finally – I get to spend the weekend immersed in the teachings of Don and Diane St John with my, once again willing (!), husband by my side. Their work, and how I have personalized it, honestly has me captivated. Fluid movement, just part of what they teach, is by far my favorite and preferred “tool” to date. I have a lot to say and share about my exploration within it – it is the foundation of my path forward.
More to come on that.
Never doubt if you can enhance your life and have more of
what you want and deserve.
And know that I genuinely celebrate you, who you are now and your evolution.
I am a primary cheerleader and supporter of women choosing to thrive.
Witnessing, supporting, and encouraging other women lights me up – because we are all connected and the resonance of this truth is what I worship.
When we thrive we open the door for others to as well, we change the world.
We make it a better place simply by being who we are in lieu
of being our outdated layers.
What a generous gift to humanity.
Trust this and reach out if you want support – even energetically,
which is powerful in my experience.
PS – may I ask for your energetic support as I fully step onto my path forward – I can feel that I need all that I can get. A very gracious thank you if you choose to throw some love my way.
“Self exploration and the quest for empowerment results in internal alignment, greater connection with self and others, and personal integrity. The primary benefit is more pleasure, in everything, while moving through life.
And, there is a resonance to it – of which I worship.” MFK