Embodiment is not a concept meant to live in the mind – it is a way of living that is steeped in integrity and it is an opportunity to experience daily micro-doses of rapture – but it has to be cultivated, and to start, it is necessary to believe that a better way is not only possible but critical for self, ones legacy, and for humanity as a whole.
My embodiment journey has only just begun.
Well – it started 10 years ago with the welcoming of our first little soul.
Charlotte changed my life. Like every piece of my life and every single part of me, for the better.
That said, this past decade has not felt blissful.
It has been herculean.
It has required all of me, but in waking up to that truth I realized that all of me was not intact.
My early motherhood experience was begging for my deep wisdom – the knowing that could come from generations of integrity that is intact. This wisdom lives in the human soul, but with time, age, experiences, structure, education, being made to conform, poor examples, poor choices, “success”, and oblivion – we detach from our deepest desires, our personal creativity, and our firmly rooted intuition.
We live in our head, spinning out into chaos and drama too regularly all while silently knowing more is possible.
Such a painful place.
At various points in my life I slowly detached from my wholeness.
And when I realized that I was living a life that did not honor my heart and soul –
I had an infant daughter.
In Charlotte’s first week of life I recall a vivid memory of her crying and glaring at me with her black eyes – it would still be months before they took on the color of blue – as if to say, “get it right – do it better – comfort my soul“.
I had panic and fear pulsing through my veins as I let the deeply honest truth settle between me and her – I had no idea how to be a nurturing mother. It was as if I did not know what nurturing meant, how it felt, but I knew it was what she needed and what I wanted too.
Ironically at that time in my life I had co-created Utah Prenatal Massage Association and was in the beginning phases of also creating Vitalize. A community & healing arts studio – the first of its kind in SLC. Our tag line was Connect-Move-Transform. It took a short 4 years of holding space for others to evolve for me to begin to unravel. I felt like a phony then.
I understood that there was value in the concepts that were coming through the doors of our studio but it was like I was in a state of shock. I was living in my head, anxious as hell, irritated with professionals claiming to know, and feeling like a complete failure as a mother and a wife.
One evening I was driving home from cleaning the floors at the studio, it was late, much later than I said I would be home (which happened often) and I knew that there would be resentment as I walked through the door. It was raining and I had this fucked up fantasy run through my head.
I saw myself leaving my life. My marriage. My child. I saw myself turning and walking away from what felt really really hard, and turning towards what was easy for me: cleaning the floors late at night in the place that gave me credibility and value – it proved my worth.
Motherhood and marriage just made me feel like I was lacking at the heart and soul level.
I wanted to be a career woman and a good mother and wife — but doing both while feeling good felt absolutely impossible, and it was my child and marriage that were making it hard.
Or so was my thinking in that messed up fantasy…..
I stopped at the last red light before I made it home and had a deep realization settle in.
Not only was I a phony in my career path, but I was failing in love too.
Vitalize = to give life to, to make vital
Connect – Move – Transform = presence, fluidity, growth and change
Marriage = to bond in the good and bad
Motherhood = to give and receive love unconditionally and whole heart-idly
I SUCKED – and the worst part is that I was pretending that I was awesome; that I was happy, that I felt good, that I was a good mom (I actually was – but I did not feel good in it which taints everything) and that my marriage was solid.
When I pulled into our driveway that rainy night I vowed that I would spend one year taking a really good look at myself.
And I did.
And in that year I began to unravel – and the unfolding has not yet stopped.
I have the sense that it never will.
The night that Charlotte stared me down with her fierce black eyes I cursed my mother and my father, and their parents and society. I was pissed. I was so unprepared to raise a child from that deep place of wisdom and knowing how to nurture another human being which means – knowing how to nurture myself.
And I have found that I can only truly nurture myself and another IF my integrity is intact – and at that point in time the word integrity was just a concept living in my head.
That deep place should come from generations of humans being embodied and passing that down to their offspring – simply by being examples. That deep place is hereditary and could/should be easy to pass along.
To be embodied means you live with an internal alignment that equally honors the intelligence of the brain, the heart and the gut. You reside comfortably in your center where deep wisdom that is personal and true for self is found. And if you are doing so it feels like your integrity is in-tact.
In that wisdom is an unshakable refuge,
in that refuge is peace,
in that peace is pleasure.
And without that wisdom is pain.
Pain and difficulty in everything.
Especially in raising another human being…..
Oh – how I wish that I could have my first child now – already knowing everything that she has demanded that I learn over the past 10 years. I infused her with my anxiety in her early years. And shamefully, that anxiety still seeps in when I am out of alignment. Which is more often than I want – but so far from what I came from.
Embodiment is a life long journey.
And in my experience it means everything –
it means living an illuminated life.
It takes commitment and dedication and cultivation. And as I sit on the tip-top of this ice-burg of ‘a better way’ I find my purpose.
I feel hope – yet I don’t need it. I sense possibility and point myself in that direction. I feel good in my skin. I am available and contactable. I trust my instincts and honor my deep knowing. And I give a lot of room for my desires and harvesting and absorbing pleasure.
And what is really cool – I have had remarkable changes in chronic physical pain – as if my physical body has found its plumb-line due to the integration of my internal wisdom which results in my personal integrity.
It feels as if my physical body is aligning with my wisdom centers.
This calls for immense celebration because once upon a time my physical body and my wisdom centers were two separate entities. My body hurt and my wisdom circled around me.
Now I am securely held – a completing package.
My integrity is in-tact.
Charlotte is 10 years old and Wren is 5 – and instead of feeling like I am catching up I feel like I am ready to launch, even if it is just into more ease, pleasure and joy.
But I know it won’t be just that. I have too much warrior spirit in me for just that.
And I know that it will be hard on some days, that I will consistently be pulling myself back to center, but boy….how I appreciate how far I have come! Gives me something to lean into.